apparently e.l. james called former child star mara wilson (matilda) a “sad fuck” for critiquing the 50shades books a while ago and now there’s a feud. i love it.
I’m in on this feud and I have chosen my side.
MARA WILSON, YOU HAVE MY SWORD.
AND YOU HAVE MY BOW.
AND MY AXE!
I WANT A MEDIEVAL THEMED WEDDING
at a hella cool castle
the groom channeled Thranduil and the Baratheons
the bridesmaids were elf maidens
the court jester and town crier were there
the cakes were gorgeous
luckily a friar was passing through town who was able to officiate (“mawwaige,” he said, “is what bwings us togevver today”)
the bride’s chariot was pulled by the most beautiful creature
unfortunately, as with all medieval weddings, there is the dragon problem
so, I’m really bad with communicating how I feel. like, extremely-bad-for-my-health bad. I’ve trained myself to bottle every negative feeling away where no one could ever get it out of me. since I was 12 or something. an 8 year old habit is hard to break, as hard as I fucking want to now.
I got upset at myself last night because I was told how selfish I was being about my boyfriend’s depression (he himself told me). and I was being selfish. he expressed himself to me and all I could think was that I must not be making him happy enough. I must be doing something wrong. so he told me off. he told me that I do make him happy, that I’m always there for him, that I’m always trying to help him. wow, even typing that makes me feel better again.
anyway, I got upset at myself. and I did what I always do when I get highly upset; I shut down and wallowed. in my head I told myself over and over how selfish I was. over and over and over and over. there was some other negativity in there but I mostly remember the selfish part. and I stayed shut down for the rest of the night, up until I went back home.
he, of course, knew something was wrong. but the moment he asked, my autopilot response came out. “nothing. I’m fine.” he asked me again and again. my stubborn bottle did not budge. he asked me to look in his eyes and say nothing was wrong. my voice shook on the word “nothing.” still, some forced instinct inside me wouldn’t let me open up. I left without answering him again.
I really want to stop being this way. my heart screams at me to open my fucking mouth, but my mind and my gut keep the lid tightly sealed. I WANTED to tell him! easier thought than said. it’s always easier thought than said for me. even when it’s something I truly want to say. I find myself around so many blunt, straightforward people. I ache to be like them. but I’ve always cared too much about other people, and what they think of me.
I just hope to one day find the switch to my emotional shutdown.
I think I should make more text posts.
if only I could carry my laptop around with me everywhere.
I need one of those tablets that have an attachable keyboard.